#TheGreatFear….continues

I hated people who drank or smoke .Yeah smoking drinking is injurious to health blah blah blah which by the way is all correct but the main reason is what happens to the people around them is breathtaking and not in a good way .The repercussions goes a long trip may be a life time. My life changed as my thoughts were this when I was growing up.I was in class 1st although started going to school a little early at the age of 2 .I was so full of energy and was really interested in studies .Whenever my father returned home from office ,he had a bag with some notes in them ,I took that bag straight away and my father put one notepad and pencil in it and I went to study .I asked my mother one day where the other kids go (little elder than me) in uniforms ,and was keen interested in going the same place . My mother told me in a beautiful way .She told me they went to study how to live life and find out what they wanted to do in life and also play and have fun.I was young to understand the first part but second part was interesting that’s fun and play .So everyday when my father came to home after office I took his bag with a notepad and pen ,sat in a corner and scribbled in notepad ,which nobody could understand .Seeing my interest my mother decided to put me in pre-nursery.

Till the time I came in 1st standard ,my father had to take transfer to some other city and we had to leave the city because of my Uncle (father’s brother) had drank so much till then that his while body swelled and he suffered with syrosis and apparently there were no good hospitals in the current city so we moved to a city with better facilities.Now the school in the new city didn’t take me in 1st standard since I was one year younger as per them ,so I repeated my one year that’s called upper kinder garden. I was so bored ,I had learnt everything already and at home no body had time .I was dropped to one my relatives place because parents were in hospital all the time.

Anyways ,it was a very difficult for all our family. The relatives family was okay .There were no kids there but I was doing ok there .There were two sisters and youngest was this cousin brother .He was in in 7th or 8th standard .It was fun being there for sometime .I was away from my family but still this brother of mine took special care of me .Earlier it was quite good he took me to market ,played with me ,took me to market and all .What else would a kid of 6 years want .I missed my family but it was ok place for me .Some time I did not knew or understand what was happening with me .He stated teaching me and it became his everyday thing .One day there was no one at my relatives place and he started teaching me while teaching he took me in his lap and started touching me .I did not knew what was happening .I felt strange and resisted him and ran away from the room .and closed the other room which locked by chance and didn’t open.I was a child ,out of fear I started crying .But there was no one to listen to me cry .After and hour some how when other cousins arrived ,the door was opened and my face was pale and I didn’t utter a word for rest of the day.Everyone thought it was due to the door locking but my heart was thumping like somebody was hammering it .

#BeingSpecialSucks

What we would do if marriage was not a thing.Imagine a world wherein marriage was not the part of the plan.I mean once you are into this world you leanr to walk and talk and then you study and rom school to collage to job .Once you find a job you marry then have kids .Raise them and the whole cycle goes all over again.What if we livied in a world wherein Once you got a job,you could do the whatever you wanted to do .Hypothetcially you could do anything you liked but once you fail in on thing you ,youare told you are special.

Like Really .I donot know who invented this theorem and I dont know how this fill up the falilure and make a specail person .Its just the same .Why its such a taboo. Why is hat such a big a deal with people around us .Everybody coming up and explainning you could do this or this woth your life .Go this way or that .What if I wanted to ciute doing the same thing I am doing .

Yeah ,every one is after me for my marriage .Its time ,tell everybody .Even my collagues who I thought to be more thoughtful as they belonged to my generation.So I am in cafeteria and there is this colleague if mine explaining me why I am not married till now .I knew everybody around me talking about the same and all. Is it beacuse I am a girl .Women should be married a the correct age as per the society .Not that I didn;t wanted to get married but why this conversation where in everyone is telling me to do this as if I donot know that shit

When I turned around me I found all the colleagues around me were married and its a very dishonoring thing specaily for a women to not be marrried .One of them even went to the point wherein I was told marriage was not a choice its a necessity .I suddenly realized we are living in ninetees .I should have burned my self because I was not getting married .And there comes the judgeing with all the faults and society raising fingers on you as it were a crime .

Apprantely ,one should go on and met guys from shaadi.com but not have a date with an old friend .Double standards ,do you call it .I don’t know .

Then here are people who will start calling you special .Oh you are different from others .Oh may be you are supposed to serve something better .Or may be the reverse gear ,” Oh ,you are not that special ; I donot know why people are so obssessed with special.

How could I have told these people that I am just like any other person .And I would have loved to be the ordinary person who got married or had kids .Something is broken,some things go wrong and there is always a way and I will find it .I want to have the narrow escape.

But to all this drama , I learnt not to give a fuck.It didn;t matter .When some one told me this shit I listened to it like a baby and then laughed so hard that choked me sometimes.I more people adviced me over this the more entertaining my day began.

It was not so easy to come to thus state wherein you enjoy the statements.I learnt it the hard way .I just remained the same and people around me showed their true self .This made me realize who I could trust and who not

#TheGreatFear

When you are going through a trauma ,you usually don’t know know that you are going through one.Once its over you get to know through its repercussions and the scar it left you with .When I was small,I didn’t know what I was going through .When something is too close to your eye you can’t see it clearly .You could only see it if you visualize it from a distance.
I feared alot which I still do .My mother was really strict .And no there was a different level of strictness. I remember my family rented a place wherein there were common place to fill water and common terrace shared with two to three other tenants . Someone complained about me while I was playing and my mother went so furious that she hit me hot tongs .She was cooking at that time and no the tongs were not that hot but she intentionally heated it and then put it on my left arm .I couldn’t lift my arm for about 15 days and I was a kid of about 3 to 4 years of age .

There was another incident when someone complained about my bad behavior and my mother made me stand all day out in sun for about 8 hours, naked .I was a kid but yet I was a girl I was so embarrassed .There were 3 to 4 families living there. And there were kids around. I cried all day while standing there with anyone walking past me staring at me .I felt embarrassed.In the beginning few minutes of the punishment I tried to apologize and create a pity face so that I could be relieved from the punishment but as the hours swept by ,I felt less embarrassed and more mentally strong .I didn’t wanted to apologize and I didn’t .It was hard but I learnt one thing that day that never show you weakness .The minute I stopped crying ,and feeling embarrassed,it was okay to bear the punishment .I grew that attitude and stuck to it until now .Nothing could break me for past 26 years so why now I felt broken .I was astonished at myself .May be I lost myself in the process of trying to fight and hold on to the things as they were.May be in the process each day I gave in I became more weak and broken inside .May be I changed and this what I am now .

Why I couldn’t hold myself when he was going .Why I lost the will power I had .May be I had been strong for an ample amount of time and when I thought that I need not to be strong now ,it became the end of easy times .

Any failure doesn’t come in a day .Its a result of your thoughts piling on .When you think you had overcome something its only a phase which you had overcome .May be the child in me was not fully recovered .I don’t know what happened or may be I was always like this!!!!

The mother didn’t recognize,what I had become .



#TheMushyBikeRide

He asked me out !! .It was monsoon season.He asked me if we could go out may be for a coffee or till now he knew I could never say no for a “Chai” .I after subtle denial agreed for the ride and coffee.

It was a date shyly I said to myself .”Luftmench” meaning ‘air-person’ is the Yiddish way of describing someone who is a bit of a dreamer. Oh boy my dreaminess could be described that way .You know the feeling with a pinch of fear ,happiness and shyness .Its like tickling in the stomach .

He called me that he could come to pick up from my home but I was skeptical so I asked him to meet under the metro bridge that was half mile from my house .I walked and he was there on his While Bike like a pro rider he turned his bike from the walkway to the road like a stuntman .I was smiling but didn’t wanted to show so maintained a calm posture as to it was a typical day and nothing special .I sat on his bike behind him and that seat was taken forever .Till today that seat is mine .His bike moves around with him but the back seat is always empty like the emptiness in my heart .

The ride started , but just after few minutes it started raining ,it started with drizzling but lead to a heavy down-pouring .At first ,we decided to wait under a shade but it was not a quite safe place so we decided to keep moving towards the nearest mall .He gave me his jacket and asked me to hid behind him on bike in the jacket .I did the same .Soon we reached mall .

We had McDonald’s ,yeah its my favorite ,now his . I don’t know why but was behaving childish .But there was one feeling also in mind ,would this go somewhere and that stopped my mind from thinking ahead and I just focused on being in the moment.

The reason we were on a date was because two days before while we were talking like everyday he told me that he liked me alot and told me that he was falling for me .I took a pause ,I did knew something was there but was not sure he could dare to say so I told him that my marriage is fixed and he was little late .And besides it was too early we hardly knew each other .I was hesitant and a bit angry .Angry ,that’s because it was part of my personality to not accept things so easily .I never gave it a second thought and just said “no” .So he asked if we could go out as friends on the coming weekend .I thought that there was nothing harm in going out as friends !!

In the mall ,we roamed about a little bit ,doing window shopping then we sat in one place and looking other people shopping wherein he directly told me ,”I love you”.I didn’t knew how to react .I said we were friends .He was adamant and I had trust issues. .

#TheChimera

I am sleeping and there is a snake sleeping near me .I just turned to other side and it sulked slowly.I smiled and turned the other way and slept carefree like a baby. Ahh ,wish everyday was same !!!!

There was bell on the door with the weird sound and long press this time .I woke up all of a sudden ,jumped out of my bed and gasped my breath ,but there was no snake .I was so terrified that I forgot to breathe and slowly walked towards the door..It was from housekeeping .He came for wake-up call that I asked yesterday ,but since the extension was not working he came to check in case.
Anyway back to the snake ,till now I was totally up and realized that it was only a dream.How weird I thought but it was more like ‘Ehh’ for me since I have been having such weird dreams since last two to three years.I had a dream wherein there were snakes dancing .I don’t know what’s there with me and snakes .May be I saw a lot of Harry Potter that induced snakes in my head .In one of my dream I was inside a snakes body .
It was really weird .I couldn’t eat that day because you know how could I eat I was already eaten by a snake .

Anyways ,many people have asked me till date about your dream and my answer to them is always the same ,right from childhood ,that “I don’t know ‘.Yeah ,its not like I don’t know but may be I am not able to accept it till now .I was too afraid to accept that .I remember I was in class 9th ,my class teacher was asking everyone in the class what is your dream,everybody shared,I never shared .When she asked me why I didn’t shared I said time will reveal.
I felt like a failure today ,complete failure .We were supposed to get married last year .It has been a year and we broke up .Not because we had a fight but due to his parents didn’t agree .We were from different castes .I was a Gujarati Nagar brahmin and he was Kayastha .Apart from being Kayasata ,he belonged to ‘Bihar’.We said goodbye to each other a year ago,but it felt like yesterday we met .

All my friends were married and few had kids too ,few that were not married were touring around the world .Some others were planning to get hitched to their loved ones.It was the perfect age to get married ,I thought so .Actually not me but my parents thought that .I had been working now for almost five and a half years and you may guess the age of an engineer who after doing engineering had worked for that long .Everything was set, our marriage ,the place where we would be living after marriage, our jobs ,our day to day life .We planned everything but nothing happened .It was shattering .It kind of gave a scar that would remain for the whole life .Sometimes I felt it was a dream that I was living but then I pinched myself and found out that it was real .

It was all so sad !!!. Here I was with nothing in mind .Didn’t knew where to go ,what to do .Thank God we both had Jobs that kept us moving .I was for sure that I would again go into depression and this time would not be able to come out of it.

Yeah I had been in depression before .So I did everything I could do to not go into depression not aware of the fact that I had become a irritating angry unstable person .And I hardly cared now what anyone thought of me to be.I was blank inside .No feelings .I didn’t cry when I was alone .I felt a different kind of energy in me and not a positive one.It was anxiety .I cried only when I talked to him sometimes but other than that I didn’t cry at all .Although I was so anxious all the time.



#BeingHappy

I am living the dream .Right now I am in a hotel or rather say “WFH” where ‘H’ stands for hotel.I am absolutely happy .I have every day work of about say 2 to 3 hours maximum and then I am done .People who say live life king size .Yeah I am living it .My everyday focus is more on how to spend less money on the online shopping .And I am the kind of person who is if you know “Ross” from FRIENDS .I am taking all the services if I am in a hotel.So actually I am on a paid vacation.
I have read till now 4 to 5 books of self motivation and after reading them all I say ok that’s good content .No offence to self motivation I am really self motivated right now .Even I wanted to start a blog and I started .I am loving it .I never had such a time in my life where I had so much time to think and get a new perspective for everything.I have not only been reading ,I am listening to the self help books .I created an account on audible and started listening to the Free content of course

Actually deep down I am very sad ,recently had a breakup .It was 5 years ago I was living in a PG in Tier 1 city .I was working as a software profession .As a freshers when you join a company ,I was really happy to get my salary and with my new life .New friends ,new environment everything new .It was also the first time I was living away from my family ,so I was really happy .Life was fun ,Job was great .I was kind of fun loving positive person person who was full of live .Yeah there were two sides of me .One was the fun loving person who got crazy when happy and other was the angry person inside me that didn’t come into picture until goes against my wish. Ok so after the first year of happiness and enjoyment came him.

He was transferred from another location and was allocated in my project although in a different part of the same team .Now we had to communicate with all the parts of team for daily work,so one day we got acquainted to each to other .It was more like we got to know each other since he had a fight with my manager .So basically my manager asked me to answer his queries that’s when we started to know each other .One day I was pretty busy in work and he asked to update few things .I had a lot in my bucket and top of that he started sending reminders to update .I got angry and went to his desk and started shouting for no co-operation and that with how I was so busy and how could he not do it himself .While I was telling him his mistakes and a lecture on team work and co- operation, he was constantly staring at me which was making me more angry .There were other team members around him ,who were surprised by two things .First of all I was yelling at him being a junior and secondly ,he was not the kind of person who listens to anyone without reverting back .After the fight ,I went straight to cafeteria to have Tea .
Tea is the saviour for everything in my life .He came after me running and while I was at the chai counter ,he asked me if we could talk .Hastily I agreed ,partly because I was afraid I yelled alot at him so he might complain about a junior yelling and partly because I wanted to show that I was a good person.I didn’t knew where did the second thought came from so I asked him if he wanted a tea and handed a cup of tea to him and sat in cafeteria .I was surprised to hear his point of view and the patience with which he explained to me that we could resolve the task by talking. He asked my number and said that I could tell him on watsapp when I am finished and update him on watsapp. I was over burdened with work therefore I agreed and asked him that it would need one more day to complete and that he should not tell that to my manager otherwise would have to work for some extra hours .Well we both helped each other and the task was completed on time .Now talking became a thing ,we talked only about work earlier but later we started talking for hours

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Stay tuned for what happens next !!!!.